Holiday Alienation

7 Dec

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I have learned the most from not getting what I want.  Often what I want is colored by what I want in terms of what I think is possible.   I’ve always felt out of synch with the modern world’s ideals.  Not that I am old-fashioned, as in churning my own butter.  It’s that I don’t value what society says I should value.

I found myself in a crowd, yet again, feeling like an alien.  I should have a lot in common with horse people, since I love horses and always have.  And I really enjoy being around some horse people.  But most of the time I find that I really don’t.   I feel more at home with artists.  Every city I’ve ever lived in, I’ve gone to an art class and felt at home.  I’ve felt accepted.  When I attended a large college of 40,000 students, I felt lost until I took drawing 101 and felt like I had landed back on my home planet.  No longer an alien!  Or else, we were all aliens and OK with that.  Most of the time, a group will ignore you if you’re different.  A group of artists loves you if you’re different!  The more different, the better.  But being just a tiny bit different is good, too.  Artists care about what is below the surface.  Anyone who creates is humbled by the process.

So, decades later, it seems if I really end up feeling at home with someone, it turns out they have an interest in the arts. This is my tribe.

Oh, back to the subject at hand about not getting what you want.  When I got my property, I wanted to own a riding horse again.  I went through a few bad experiences, ending with our perfect riding horse dying of a sudden and incurable colic.  During our future attempts to buy or lease another riding horse, I felt like I was in a bad movie.  Who writes this stuff?  It can’t be real.  But in the horse world, yes, it can.

A few months later, I tentatively pulled up Dreamhorse (a horse sales website) to kill time and forgot to limit my search to 150 miles from my zip code.  So I pulled up horses so far away I could not drive to see them.  One was an eye-catching miniature horse.  My daughter begged me to inquire about him.  That seemed ridiculous since I could not go see him, so I put off emailing for a couple of days.  A half-hearted inquiry led to one thing after another and the process ended up with a new horse on my property.  There was no drama in the purchase.  I had to do a few things I never do and I listened more to my intuition than what was possible.  I had to trust.  Sometimes you need to give up before things work out.

But back to alienation.  I still don’t know if I will ever feel at home in a group of horse people.  I connect with a few individuals here and there.  And I connect with my horses.  It’s dark and the stars are shining over a frozen landscape.  The crescent moon hangs in the western sky.  I went out and gave my ponies some treats- feeling their warm breath on my hand.  And I felt connected at last.

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5 Responses to “Holiday Alienation”

  1. pigeon1970 December 7, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

    I love it. I am still waiting to find my tribe 😉

  2. The Dancing Rider December 8, 2013 at 8:01 am #

    Truer words could not be spoken! Regarding art/creativity, crowds, horse people. I could go on. I’m so like you, as far as what I read here. Obviously I don’t know you in person. But we are so alike.

    Things work out the way they are supposed to, given whatever our individual “journeys” are (I hate those new age buzzwords…). Sometimes it’s really tough, too.

    I absolutely loved your last paragraph. Loved it!

    • A New Path December 8, 2013 at 9:27 am #

      Thank you, Dancing Rider. I love your blog and feel like you are a kindred spirit. The journey is not always easy and sometimes I get discouraged, but it helps to know I’m not alone.

      • The Dancing Rider December 8, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

        You definitely are not. I often feel isolated in a way. But then, I’ve done that to myself. I guess it’s just the way I am! 🙂

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