Tag Archives: humor

Katie Says Get Out and Vote

29 Jan

photo

Katie Understands the Unique Challenges of Being a Miniature Horse.

Dear Katie, I’m a 36 inch tall Shetland pony in Des Moines, Iowa with a dilemma.  I can’t decide if I should caucus for Bernie or Hillary.  I like that Hillary would be the first mare president, but I like Bernie’s hair better.   Who would you choose?- Undecided Voter

Dear Undecided,  It’s voters like you who will swing the election.  It doesn’t matter who you caucus for, just be sure to leave your hay, escape your paddock and trot down to your precinct caucus location.  A wild Shetland barreling into the room should clear the place, and then whoever you choose will win.  If they don’t leave, bite them. Good luck- Katie

Katie Is All Ears

5 Sep

DSC06722

Dear Katie, I am a 9.2 hand pony.  I have not gotten a reply to the question I asked in 2014.  I hope you are well and I am still am waiting to hear if it is better to clip your ear hair before a show or leave it long.  Signed, Shetland Pony Problems.

Dear SPP,  thank you for your patience.  I have been trapped in a gravel paddock because my owner wanted me to lose weight.  I was not allowed to eat any grass or go near computers.  My only food was dry hay and vitamins.  The computer is in the kitchen and she was afraid I’d eat grapes or corn chips.  I have finally lost a tiny amount of weight and gotten back to type a reply.

Your ear hair is an important part of your identity.  Do not clip your ear hair or your whiskers.  Or anything.  Look as shaggy and unkempt as possible.  This will keep your owner from taking you to more shows.  – Katie

Katie Explains that When it Rains it Pours

15 Feb

photo

Katie understands the unique challenges of being a miniature horse or pony.

Dear Katie, I’m 10 hand tall Shetland pony.  I don’t know where spring is.  I’m shedding like crazy and it keeps snowing.  What can I do?  Signed, Snowball

Dear Snowball, here in the Pacific Northwest we don’t get snow storms.  It only snows for decoration, shuts down entire cities for a couple of days and then melts.  An inch of snow here is known as Snowmageddon.  You can move here.  But you will need some rain gear and to learn to drink coffee – Katie

Autocorrect Nightmare: Curse of the Smartphone

23 Jan

Yesterday I was texting our trainer on my new (refurbished cheap) smartphone, proud that I had entered the 21st century.

photo

After two successful sentences, complete with punctuation, I got too cocky.  I had finally learned to hit the space bar instead of “send” after each word.  Or so I thought.

As I was typing “Duke didn’t bite” (he has a slight biting problem), autocorrect turned “Duke didn’t” into “Duke DIED” and I hit send instead of space.

In a panic of bad typing I attempted to text an explanation that Duke did not die.

I hope I didn’t give her a heart attack!   I am going to turn autocorrect off today after I have the courage to face my dastardly phone again.

Katie Advises Against Weighty Thoughts

3 Jan

DSC01535

Katie understands the unique challenges of being a miniature horse.

Dear Katie,  I am a 29 inch tall miniature horse.  My New Year’s resolution is to lose 50 lbs.  I already eat a high fiber vegetarian diet.  What else can I do?  Signed, Heavy Thoughts

Dear Heavy, the first question you need to ask is why you want to lose weight.  If you can’t come up with a good reason, keep eating.  It also might be all hair.  Wait until you shed out in Spring and see if you look smaller.  Good luck!  – Katie

Holiday Paleo Recipes: Eat at Your Own Risk

22 Dec

I realize I have not posted any recipes.  Since many of my friends are on the paleo diet,  I decided to experiment and come up with some paleo recipes for the holidays.  I am a vegetarian, so I didn’t actually eat any of these.  That might explain why I am still alive.

Paleo Recipes (Don’t try this at home):

Note: if you are vegetarian, you can substitute soy bacon and veggie crumbles for the hamburger.  You can use Earth Balance instead of mastadon lard.

Paleo chocolate chunk cookies
1 lb hamburger (grass fed)
2 cups chopped hazelnuts
1 package paleo chocolate chips (check for rocks)
1 tsp stone-ground baking soda

Heat oven or campfire to 375 degrees.  Stir ingredients together and form into patties.  Flip once.  When no longer pink inside, they should be safe to eat.  But I wouldn’t recommend it.

Paleo Bacon Birthday cake

This treat you can enjoy on your birthday.  Though I wouldn’t recommend it.

-1 lb bacon
-1 cup paleo stone-ground dark chocolate (check for rocks)
-3 cups freshly picked hazelnuts
grass-fed hamburger for garnish (optional)
1 tsp paleo baking powder (check for rocks)
1/4 cup paleo honey (check for bees)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

Fry bacon until crisp.  Pulverize in food processor.  Pulverize hazelnuts.  Mix with stone- ground chocolate and other ingredients.  Add enough water until it looks like cake batter.  Pour into greased 8 x 8 inch pan.  Bake.

Meanwhile, brown hamburger in pan.  When cake is done, remove it and sprinkle with browned hamburger if desired.  Happy Birthday!  Eat at your own risk.

Paleo Snickerdoodles – you won’t be snickering if you eat these!

6 cups chopped hazelnuts
2 cups hamburger (grass fed)
2 strips bacon, fried
1 tsp stone-ground baking powder (check for rocks)
1 cup raw honey (check for bees)
1lb mastadon lard

Preheat oven to 400 degrees

Put everything in a food processor and blend.  Form into small patties.  Bake on greased cookie sheet until hamburger is no longer pink.  Yum! Eat at your own risk.

 

How To Be A Grand Prix Parent

20 Dec

I hang around some very advanced parents.  Their parenting skills are at the Grand Prix level (to use a dressage analogy) and they get scores of 93.976 on their Parenting Freestyles and set world records.


I am still at Intro A (walk trot), though I am about to move myself up to Training Level 1.  That may be a mistake considering I am still getting 4s (“Marginal”) at Intro A.  Sometimes I get a 2 when I throw a big tantrum instead of moving forward.

My major fails include everything from Santa Claus to my inability to convey the inherent unfairness of life to a pre-teen.  If I were a Grand Prix parent, my kids would realize that if another child uses up the eraser on their pencil, they can just get another pencil out and use up that eraser as an act of revenge.  Oops, major parenting fail there.  Revenge is not good.  Back to Intro A.

If I were a Grand Prix parent, the kids would not spend lots of work getting out of less work.  They would willingly do their chores and even sing while they did them, like Fraulein Maria in the Sound of Music.   A Grand Prix parent would have a nice teaching story for the kids.  They hate my teaching stories.  Mine usually involve, “When I was your age…”  This type of teaching story gets a 1.  Or a zero.

If I were a Grand Prix parent, my kids would smile and hold the doors for each other instead of holding the door shut and not letting the other kid in.  They would eat stir-fried bok choy.

Yes, sometimes they can be sweet and loving.  That’s when I take pictures and post them on FaceBook so it looks like I am a Grand Prix parent.  Actually, I don’t.  Because I would have to use photoshop.  If I did that, I would just photoshop myself on the beach with a cool drink.

I would also not say things like, “I am not trimming a chicken’s beak!” when they ask if Henny’s beak is too long.  I would say, “Let me look, dear.  Oh, yes, that beak is looking in need of a trim.  Let me get my dremmel.”

The real problem with my parenting is the same problem most dressage riders have.  I just don’t have the right horse.  I have a miniature horse with no work ethic named Katie and need a large, well-trained horse.  One at least 13.3 hands tall.  I would be a great parent if someone would buy me a nice horse. Then I would ride off into the sunset.  I would be a Grand Prix parent.